The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational  invites readers to supply alternate meanings for common words.

This year’s winners are:

  • 1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
  • 2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
  • 3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
  • 4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
  • 5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
  • 6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
  • 7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
  • 8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
  • 9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
  • 10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
  • 11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
  • 12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
  • 13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
  • 14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
  • 15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
  • 16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

The Washington Post also has a yearly contest, in which readers are invited to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.  The published winners are:

  • 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
  • 2. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
  • 3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
  • 4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
  • 5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
  • 6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
  • 7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
  • 8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
  • 9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
  • 10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
  • 11. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
  • 12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
  • 13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
  • 14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
  • 15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
  • 16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
  • 17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

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